Hold onnnn

… and don’t let go!

Taken on: 02/12/12
17mm F2.8
Exposure: 1/15
Rebel T2i

Going…. going…. gone

Today marks the end of a crazy year- my last foreseeable interview. There’s nothing left I can do about getting into Medical School.  Tests have been taken, motives have been substantiated, and applications submitted.  I’ve spent the last year neatly packing snippets of life into essay form for others to evaluate.   Months go by without news and sometimes I forget.  But when I see any combination of the words “University”,”School”, and “Medicine”, I explode with anticipation.  Sometimes, I read only the word “of” in a heading, and my mind fills in the rest.

Its over and has left a freckle on my life.  Can’t talk about specifics now- the ball is in the Admissions Committees’ courts. 

Sold as is.

“[The Holy Spirit] is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory”

Ephesians 1:14

I never buy things as is.

God does, and creates repentance in us.

Writing life.

I am a night-owl when it comes to writing.  For all you pre-meds out there, better learn how you write best before essay-season comes around.  I spent hours each day blankly staring at my computer, switching the environment from coffee shop, bookstore, to bedroom, heck I’ve even tried writing on my toliet (lid down ). But nothing works for me.  Until about 2-3 am.  Then, the light turns on, and all my thoughts flow beautifully onto the screen.  I think if anything, I lose my inhibitions and self criticism.  Where was this all of college? I did all my writing this late, and was unable to write anything interesting then. Hmm.

Interview Jitters

My first interview is monday.  I’ve cut the numbers.  Of the 1000 or so Ohio applicants, 300 or so get interviews, of which 200 get accepted.  Finally a meager 100 matriculate the following year.

So as of now, I have a 66% chance i’ll be in school .  I’m sure my analysis might be a little skewed, but if I learned anything, its that optimism is your friend in the face of uncertainty.  Just gotta lean back, and hold onto hope.

Loving things

I truly am starting to love writing secondary application essays.  Some prompts challenge me so much to think and journal about myself.  Here’s my favorites so far:

• In your own words, define altruism and provide an example or two where you exhibited altruistic behavior in your past activities. (600 words or less)
• Tell us something you are passionate about and why. Do not exceed 1500 characters (about 250 words).
• What do you consider to be the role of the physician in the community? (100 words or less)

Ok, dull at first sight?  I completely agree.  But as I get deeper, trying to find a way to explain memories and ideas as words, I feel completely enlightened.  Crazy truths, trust me.

Its strange that situations which I loathe can be turned around on me so quickly.  (I absolutely love studying for the MCAT now!  one the of the most pristine 3 months of my life!)  I hope perseverance will be the medicine to all my other ailments.

I’m almost done with applying, I promise.  I can’t wait to visit people this winter.  That’s right, i’m comin’ for you!

My Personal Statement if it were my testimony

Redeeming Dreams
I think i've been lucky enough to have a college eduation that validated what my parents always expected from me.  Being the safe Asian kid, I never went to the doctor nor could I appreciate what passion for medicine really was.  Even going through highschool, I half heartedly applied myself to the basic sciences and decided on a college degree with the reasoning somewhere between proficiency at science and a broad altruistic desire to help others.  But upon stepping foot on campus, I became liberated to find my own path. I quickly became attracted to Koinonia Christian Fellowship, a group that carried out the actions that I only wish I could.  They were so infectiously philanthropic, that I became obsessed with people over the next four years, and attracted to deeply caring about people's needs.  Obviously, this fellowship brought me closer to more than just people.
Suddenly, a guiding voice, God's will, came suddenly into my life.  Altruism wasn't good enough anymore, wanting medicine for money, parents, or even because i'm scientifically oriented wasn't good enough anymore.  I had to deal with the concept of grace in my career choice- simultaneous acknowledgment of the blessing of opprotunity and brokenness from Sin.  That finding God's will for my future was both a mark of surrender to my undeservative nothingness, and divine will.  It might have hit me too quickly - being made nothing, but also given so much at once.
This all came together when I went to the Cleveland Urban Plunge, where I was confronted with Sin that had been controlling my life for the year before.  Seeing others destitute, children without parents, wifes without husbands, pain upon pain, I began to see myself in others.  At the same time I asked myself, "How are you different?", God welled up in me, "My plans for you are great".  I first told myself I am nothing and my Sin precludes my dreams- that lives could not be trusted to someone who failed so many times.  But God intervened- with radiant hope.  As soon as I wanted to throw blessings in my life away- the long support of family, the opprotunity for higher education- all as a pronoucement of following Jesus, he told me to keep it for his kingdom.  He touched me with pure Grace.
Grace is the second chance on the heels of mistakes or the moment one lets go to the question of "will I be okay?"  We've all felt it, we all cherish that moment.  But mankind will always forget - even the most repentant. In my Free Clinic, I saw patients who exemplified the joy of Grace.  When their HIV test came back negative, their eyes light up.  Although few will stay away forever, I could see God being merciful daily.   Moments before the news, they were fully surrendered - willing to talk, willing to apologize, willing to repent.  But after the news, "reality" (or lack thereof) sets in and many attribute grace to something they believe is luck.  As much as this is frustrating, I am no different - the moment after grace is administered, my mind turns to itself, and thankfulness flees my heart.  My heart is the last thing to follow after Jesus.  But now I'm thankful that I see clearly- I fight for grace.
So what can I do with my future? I've already said I see most things that I love as worthless.   I came to the reasoning that the only thing worth it, the only thing that makes me worth it, and everyone on this planet is the Grace that God gave/gives/will give.  Like Abraham sacrificing Issac, God asked me, "Am I worth more than becoming a doctor?", but told me to keep my ambition as a testament to His faithfulness.  My dreams have been redeemed.

Days ahead

You’re still subscribed to this? Really?!?
jk DDDDDDDD

Anyways,
i’ll try to post pictures from now on, i haven’t had a camera during my initial expeditions.

Gospel + the world.

Lord, let the Gospel shine- your power, authorship of history, Jesus’s propitiation,  the subsequent mercy, and our death to the world. In Christ’s name.

This past weekend, the Gospel hit me in its familiar brilliance in a region of my life that I always felt tangentially excluded the Gospel – Family and future.  My parents came up to Cleveland to visit me again.

It always seemed before that I couldn’t speak the truths I have learned, or that they seemed so less real when I encountered my parents.  Its like the feeling when watching a movie, and being so entranced in it.   A few steps out of the theater, reality hits.  That’s how I feel.  Perhaps, because I’ve lived with them for the first 17 years of my life, and they have always made me want things of the World.

Future is always one of the things we talk about most.  M.Ds and Ph.Ds are always on their mind.  We are always talking about the same subject- what’s essential. I shared more deeply than ever my commitment to Christ, and told my Mom about the Gospel.  Just when I felt I was getting through, my Dad came in, to reinforce my Mom.  I was really frustrated, when I could see my Mom’s attention move away from salvation, holiness, and God, back to “Future”.

The difference between the Gospel and everything else starts at the beginning of self-image, whether Man accepts he is a sinner or not.   If my mom does realize sin, she would be hungry for a Savior, if not, then we can fall so easily on good works. Never before has her concern been so simple as “Is your spirit really living?” or “Do you need life poured into you?”, but built upon the false assumption that life is already had, her concerns build up to the lofty consideration of whether my future will be set.

Its just the truth of the Gospel hitting me in a different way. Prayer is greatly appreciated/needed.

She did take my last Chinese/English bible tho DDDDD Huzzah!

Creation

First and foremost:

Heavenly Father, my heart desires to know you intimately.  Let this blog be by Grace fully focused on you, your work in my life.  At times, let your truth and meaning fill the pages of this blog, when your will commands it, but also humble me to admit uncertainty and find peace in your loving secrecy.  Let me call you Lord and Savior, focused on your Gospel of Mercy and Repentance.  Remind me of your faithfulness in the future, and commit me to the good work.

In Christ’s powerful name, Amen.

I have just started getting deeply immersed in Blogs this summer, and so many of my favorites, such as Gospel Coalition or 9Marks, have inspired me to chronicle my own thoughts.  So here it goes:

I’ve just started reading Doctrine by Mark Driscoll.  Its been a really revitalizing book, causing me to weed out the false truths that have subtly ninja’d their way into my thoughts.  Driscoll does a great job at using Scripture to fight the common misconceptions I idolize.  When one of these upheavals arise and after the subsequent inner struggle,  I arise feeling confident that my newfound truth has the full weight of undeniable Biblical truths defending it.

One topic, however, seems to be consistently shaky in my mind and logic – Creation (how fitting for my first post).  Ever since my third SAGES seminar (I can’t believe I am actually mentioning SAGES), USNA 204, the I have teetered on the Doctrine of Creation from admittedly blind faith, to full rejection.    Among the three essays written in the class, my first was supporting New Earth creationism, my second rejected the thesis of the first essay and took on an Theistic Evolution claim, and in my final essay, I took no stance, citing uncertainty and lack of authority to speak.  This chapter in Driscoll’s book just rekindled (I am reading the book on my kindle ) a deep frustration.

Driscoll himself does not take a hard stance on Creation, and spends most of the chapter explaining the differences between the 6 theories of Christian creationism, split up into 3 views that take more Biblical literacy, and 3 that are less literal:

• Historic Creationism – Genesis 1:1 could have lasted millennia (due to its lack of specified time) but the rest of creation happened in 6 literal days.
• Young-Earth Creationism – The Universe was created in 6 literal days, and the earth is placed at around 10,000 years old.
• Gap Theory – Due to the events that we know existed (creation/fall of angels) before man was created, there is likely a gap between Genesis 1:1 and the rest of the creation story. (which I don’t see much difference with Historic Creationism)
• Literary Framework View – Genesis is a metaphorical account of God’s creation,  Day 1, and 4 have literal parallels ( Light/darkness and Sun/moon/stars), 2 and 5 (skys/water and fish/bird), and 3 and 6 ( land/plants and animals/man).  The literal 24 hour day gives way to God’s metaphorical design in creation.
• Day-Age view – The days are not 24 hour days, but eons instead.
• Theistic Evolution – Genesis is an allegory.  God’s primary method of creation is known through revelation of the natural sciences.  His hand is present in setting in motion evolution, and possibly guiding it to our current stage.

Needless to say, all of these views are plausible, and Driscoll encourages self discernment in deciding on a view to stand on.  However, he definitely favors the first 3, stricter interpretations of Biblical text, and backs it up with compelling Biblical Arguments (Such as the fact that the days are numbered, the original meanings of the word, etc) .  I am all for this Biblical backing of Creation, and taking the Bible literally. Huzzah!

But getting back to the point of this post (in a long-winded way)…  Driscoll then seeks to fight for Creationism in the realm of Natural Science.  Instead of supporting Creationism, seeking to discredit Evolution.  He cites Fred Hoyle’s argument that a 747 could be assembled by a hurricane passing through a junkyard.  But if we understand the theory of Evolution, that argument wouldn’t be relevant.  Evolution is not a one time event, is in small increments, (not a entire 747 at once), etc.  Same goes with Paley’s watchmaker analogy.

Admittedly, I spent some of the time in my sages class reading books like the The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins, in which he decisively defeated in my mind the arguments that Creationists bring forth from the natural sciences.  But I feel as though the argument against Evolution is so weak when Christians fight to tear down scientific claims.

In the Previous chapter, Driscoll talked about canonization of Biblical texts for the original creation of the New Testament Bible and held it to three criteria:

• Conformity – Does the book conform to the prior truths recognized by the church?
• Apostolicity-  Does the book have authority originating form an Apostle?
• Catholicity – Does the Book have widespread acceptance and usage by the church?

I believe the same principles can go a long way in determining Doctrine, especially Catholicity.  God has obviously kept secret for himself his exact method of Creation (if Christians can’t agree one the exact process of creation).  Driscoll’s uncertainty and Theistic Evolution’s plausibility in his mind should result in careful consideration, rather than him succumbing to the Creationists’ instinct to tear down evolution.  So lies my frustration with our approach to Creation, when Christians get to the point of that chapter, after explaining the Biblical support of determining which view of Creation we should subscribe to (which almost always is literally), and when the author then can talk about Evolutionists’ claims, I wish we would keep our hearts humble, and not thrash unnecessarily.  The truth as to the exact process of creation has yet to be revealed to be fully us by God.  We cannot fully agree on a complete doctrine, and it is God’s will that this be so.

Furthermore, the defense of Creation with arguments that are weak and unfounded shows that we are lacking the faith in God’s incomplete revelation of himself to us.  The Bible is enough, with the truths that it contains, saving faith and a relationship with God can be established, and his veiled glory can be seen.  One day, when he returns, we will all be in agreement and praise his method of Creation.  But today we cannot boastfully ”know” that God did not use evolution, and use.

Well this what I believe for now…